Explanation

This past year has been rough. Knowing exactly why I wasn't able to write, keeping so much in and doing everything I could, nearly destroyed me.

So I've decided to take some power back, by not posting my posts on Facebook anymore. This way I know the audience I'm reaching actually and actively wants to know this side of me.

So what's the mystery reason I haven't been writing?
Little over a year ago, I made a very difficult choice that would affect my entire life. I knew I had to give everything up for my ultimate dream.
If I had known what this choice meant back then, I would probably not have chosen to go for it. An entire year filled with going over every limit I had to try and prove myself. Proving myself against something that just didn't feel worth it. Maybe not 'worth' it, just so unfair in every way that it destroyed the little confidence I had. The worst part is losing faith in people and feeling like a complete fool. And even after all this time, there is still no insurance that I've made the right choice.

I have put my entire life on hold for a dream that might have been one big lie. Doing what you love should not tear you apart. It should not test your limits to the point where there's no turning back.
Coming to terms with this is impossible, until I actually know where this dream of mine will take me.

Sound negative, right? Well then you will understand why writing has been this difficult for me.

I cannot wait to start writing again, so positivity will take the upper hand again.

No more Facebook posts

After a much needed break from sharing, I have decided not to post on facebook anymore.

So if you still want to be updated, make sure to follow this blog. 

Change

When you haven't written in a very long time, but you have been craving it, it's time to put paper to pen. Or typing to laptop?

So why haven't I been writing? Easy. I have been so stressed, that I felt like I would be lying to myself if I wrote anything but the truth. But the truth is hard to accept.

I haven't been doing too well.

There, I said it. I just haven't been doing well at all. Working up the courage to face my fears and tackle obstacles has been a lot harder than I expected. So much harder, that it started to hurt my physical recovery. So I decided to dial it all down: social interactions, chores, exercise, everything.

Right now I am focusing on two things: my husband and my job. The two things in my life that give me the most joy and happiness. 

My husband (as many as you know) has Crohn's disease. It has been a tough two years to get him on track diet wise and him dealing with getting sick a lot. Accepting that you're chronically ill is something that is overwhelming and challenging.
My job has been extremely stressful, but in the end more than rewarding. I feel like I finally found my place. Not a day goes by that I try to find ways or projects to make it a better place, to figure out how I can be a better caregiver for the kids. It has been eyeopening. Every day is another victory for me, another reason to keep going.

For me personally, I need to find a way to find balance. My body is craving attention.

Because of my medication, I have gained a lot of weight the past two years. But losing that weight is very hard when you're not allowed to exercise and you need to keep taking it.
I guess a lot of people don't like the way that they look, or want to lose a few pounds. But when you start feeling uncomfortable in your own skin, something does need to change. So I have been tackling my own diet: snacking down to a minimum, always a fresh cooked meal, no more 'rewards' aka junkfood, drinking a lot of water,...
This is weirdly difficult for me. I am what they call an 'emotional eater'. And when you're permanently stressed out, food is a real problem!
So I'm basically reprogramming my own head and heart, to find different ways to de-stress. (a lot more harder than I thought it would be!)

Stress. Wow. It sounds so simple when people tell me: 'just relax!'. It just doesn't work that way! My mind is always spinning and finding ways to keep me occupied. I can find something to worry about in the most relaxing moments of my day. If anybody knows how to switch that button, let me know, because I still haven't figured it out.

So here it is: I haven't been doing too well.
Changing a lifestyle isn't easy.
But it's going to be worth it, I can feel it.

Small appreciation post

I love you, buddy.

LUSH Halloween/Christmas haul

When Lush had its Creative Showcase, I looked at every possible instagram/facebook feed I could find. Pining, yearning, wishing...

And then, it happened. They announced that the Halloween and Christmas range would be ONLINE in a few seconds. So, naturally as any sane person would do, I went online and filled up my basket. Of course B made me delete more than half, because I may get a little crazy when it comes to Lush...

BUT I RECEIVED THE BEST PACKAGE EVER TODAY.

So here it is people, my first blog post about LUSH, and it is a haul people.

It took every ounce of self control not to rip this package to pieces

First off: I love how Lush packages everything so carefully. Thanks Lydia, for making sure this one got to me safely.

Are you ready for this? Because I sure was.

Beauty in a box

So here's what's in the box:

• Black Rose Lipstick
• Ectoplasm Jelly Bomb
• Golden Wonder Bath Bomb
• Golden Wonder-Giant Bath Bomb
• Snow Fairy Jelly Bomb
• Christmas Sweater Bath Bomb
• Snow Fairy Sparkle Jar
• Twilight Sparkle Jar
• Twilight Shower Gel
• Lord of Misrule Bath Bomb
• Shoot for the Stars Bath Bomb
• Once Upon a Time Body Lotion

Okay so really there is a TON to be excited about. But I picked out my favorites and most anticipated ones for me to talk about a little.

Twilight Shower Gel

I am a huge fan of the Sleepy/Twilight scent. For years I have had trouble sleeping, but putting Sleepy Body Lotion on me at night works like a charm. So naturally, I have been eyeing Twilight Shower Gel for way too long. It showing up in the list of Christmas range products made my entire week. Of course I bought this lavender smelling necessity. 

Once Upon a Time Body Lotion

Smelling like sweet apples and feel a little like Snow White? Yes, please!
Once Upon a Time has been on my list for a long time. The hype has lived up to its name for sure. Better make sure to stock up on this one, because I need this in my life permanently!

Golden Wonder-Giant Bath Bomb

The Golden Wonder-Giant Bath Bomb. Why wouldn't you be excited? This bath bomb is 3 times the size as a normal Golden Wonder! It is absolutely massive and absolutely amazing. This bath bomb will only end up in a bath when it is a very special occasion, because a present like this will not be wasted. 

Look at my box, my box, my box

Okay so there is plenty of stuff I feel like I need to tell everyone about. The black lipstick that changes colors, the sparkle jars that puff out stardust, the jelly bath bombs and the return of golden oldies. But maybe that'll be for the next time.

Bath time has not been this anticipated in a long time.

A small list

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want this blog to be or become. Obviously it is going to be a very personal one. 

So here's a small list of everything I want to write about:

• The many adventures and stories with B.
• Every day life and struggles, thoughts and ramblings.
• LUSH.
• Cooking/baking
• Attempts at hobbies (painting, handlettering,...)
• Adventures with friends/family
• Dreams/hopes/wishes

Lets just say I'm done with being insecure. I am still discovering who I am and where I'm going. And that's totally okay.

A year goes by so fast...

A year ago I said 'Yes, please!' to my wonderful husband. 365 days of absolute bliss.
And here is what I have learned:

• When two people love each other unconditionally, nothing can keep them apart (or no one).
• Dishes are very difficult to do every day. Or any day.
• Put two people with ADHD together in one house and it is a complete mess. 
• You can work out anything if you not only listen, but try and understand each other.
• You can find an annoyance in every flaw. But you learn to fall in love with every single one of them.
• Dad jokes occur not only in dads. 
• Dreaming about dogs together might just turn out into a full blown obsession.
• Saving up money is hard when you want all the stuff.
• As much as I want to slap him, he makes me laugh two seconds after.
• My husband is the funniest man in the world. (I'll deny I wrote this forever)
• Waking up to the person you love most, is the best feeling in the world.
• We fight. With everyone else, but never with each other. 
• Sharing is caring. 
• My husband is the biggest goofball I know.
• Giving up is not an option.
• Sharing your deepest and darkest secrets, is nothing to be scared of. 
• Unconditional love is incomprehensible and wonderful.
• Trust is key.
• Apparently there is someone more clingy and PDA-wanting than me.
• Aparently I like (love) the whole clingy/PDA thing.
• We do it together. Whatever it is. Together.
• Being the big spoon is not that bad.
• I still have dishes to do.
• I really don't like doing dishes.

There are so many things I have learned about living with the love of my life. But mostly, I can't stop looking at this man and be grateful. I may never figure out how someone this compassionate and loving exists, but I'll forever be grateful.

Sweetheart, ma bebie, you saved my soul. Never stop having wild adventures with me. 

I love you.