Change

When you haven't written in a very long time, but you have been craving it, it's time to put paper to pen. Or typing to laptop?

So why haven't I been writing? Easy. I have been so stressed, that I felt like I would be lying to myself if I wrote anything but the truth. But the truth is hard to accept.

I haven't been doing too well.

There, I said it. I just haven't been doing well at all. Working up the courage to face my fears and tackle obstacles has been a lot harder than I expected. So much harder, that it started to hurt my physical recovery. So I decided to dial it all down: social interactions, chores, exercise, everything.

Right now I am focusing on two things: my husband and my job. The two things in my life that give me the most joy and happiness. 

My husband (as many as you know) has Crohn's disease. It has been a tough two years to get him on track diet wise and him dealing with getting sick a lot. Accepting that you're chronically ill is something that is overwhelming and challenging.
My job has been extremely stressful, but in the end more than rewarding. I feel like I finally found my place. Not a day goes by that I try to find ways or projects to make it a better place, to figure out how I can be a better caregiver for the kids. It has been eyeopening. Every day is another victory for me, another reason to keep going.

For me personally, I need to find a way to find balance. My body is craving attention.

Because of my medication, I have gained a lot of weight the past two years. But losing that weight is very hard when you're not allowed to exercise and you need to keep taking it.
I guess a lot of people don't like the way that they look, or want to lose a few pounds. But when you start feeling uncomfortable in your own skin, something does need to change. So I have been tackling my own diet: snacking down to a minimum, always a fresh cooked meal, no more 'rewards' aka junkfood, drinking a lot of water,...
This is weirdly difficult for me. I am what they call an 'emotional eater'. And when you're permanently stressed out, food is a real problem!
So I'm basically reprogramming my own head and heart, to find different ways to de-stress. (a lot more harder than I thought it would be!)

Stress. Wow. It sounds so simple when people tell me: 'just relax!'. It just doesn't work that way! My mind is always spinning and finding ways to keep me occupied. I can find something to worry about in the most relaxing moments of my day. If anybody knows how to switch that button, let me know, because I still haven't figured it out.

So here it is: I haven't been doing too well.
Changing a lifestyle isn't easy.
But it's going to be worth it, I can feel it.

Small appreciation post

I love you, buddy.

LUSH Halloween/Christmas haul

When Lush had its Creative Showcase, I looked at every possible instagram/facebook feed I could find. Pining, yearning, wishing...

And then, it happened. They announced that the Halloween and Christmas range would be ONLINE in a few seconds. So, naturally as any sane person would do, I went online and filled up my basket. Of course B made me delete more than half, because I may get a little crazy when it comes to Lush...

BUT I RECEIVED THE BEST PACKAGE EVER TODAY.

So here it is people, my first blog post about LUSH, and it is a haul people.

It took every ounce of self control not to rip this package to pieces

First off: I love how Lush packages everything so carefully. Thanks Lydia, for making sure this one got to me safely.

Are you ready for this? Because I sure was.

Beauty in a box

So here's what's in the box:

• Black Rose Lipstick
• Ectoplasm Jelly Bomb
• Golden Wonder Bath Bomb
• Golden Wonder-Giant Bath Bomb
• Snow Fairy Jelly Bomb
• Christmas Sweater Bath Bomb
• Snow Fairy Sparkle Jar
• Twilight Sparkle Jar
• Twilight Shower Gel
• Lord of Misrule Bath Bomb
• Shoot for the Stars Bath Bomb
• Once Upon a Time Body Lotion

Okay so really there is a TON to be excited about. But I picked out my favorites and most anticipated ones for me to talk about a little.

Twilight Shower Gel

I am a huge fan of the Sleepy/Twilight scent. For years I have had trouble sleeping, but putting Sleepy Body Lotion on me at night works like a charm. So naturally, I have been eyeing Twilight Shower Gel for way too long. It showing up in the list of Christmas range products made my entire week. Of course I bought this lavender smelling necessity. 

Once Upon a Time Body Lotion

Smelling like sweet apples and feel a little like Snow White? Yes, please!
Once Upon a Time has been on my list for a long time. The hype has lived up to its name for sure. Better make sure to stock up on this one, because I need this in my life permanently!

Golden Wonder-Giant Bath Bomb

The Golden Wonder-Giant Bath Bomb. Why wouldn't you be excited? This bath bomb is 3 times the size as a normal Golden Wonder! It is absolutely massive and absolutely amazing. This bath bomb will only end up in a bath when it is a very special occasion, because a present like this will not be wasted. 

Look at my box, my box, my box

Okay so there is plenty of stuff I feel like I need to tell everyone about. The black lipstick that changes colors, the sparkle jars that puff out stardust, the jelly bath bombs and the return of golden oldies. But maybe that'll be for the next time.

Bath time has not been this anticipated in a long time.

A small list

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want this blog to be or become. Obviously it is going to be a very personal one. 

So here's a small list of everything I want to write about:

• The many adventures and stories with B.
• Every day life and struggles, thoughts and ramblings.
• LUSH.
• Cooking/baking
• Attempts at hobbies (painting, handlettering,...)
• Adventures with friends/family
• Dreams/hopes/wishes

Lets just say I'm done with being insecure. I am still discovering who I am and where I'm going. And that's totally okay.

A year goes by so fast...

A year ago I said 'Yes, please!' to my wonderful husband. 365 days of absolute bliss.
And here is what I have learned:

• When two people love each other unconditionally, nothing can keep them apart (or no one).
• Dishes are very difficult to do every day. Or any day.
• Put two people with ADHD together in one house and it is a complete mess. 
• You can work out anything if you not only listen, but try and understand each other.
• You can find an annoyance in every flaw. But you learn to fall in love with every single one of them.
• Dad jokes occur not only in dads. 
• Dreaming about dogs together might just turn out into a full blown obsession.
• Saving up money is hard when you want all the stuff.
• As much as I want to slap him, he makes me laugh two seconds after.
• My husband is the funniest man in the world. (I'll deny I wrote this forever)
• Waking up to the person you love most, is the best feeling in the world.
• We fight. With everyone else, but never with each other. 
• Sharing is caring. 
• My husband is the biggest goofball I know.
• Giving up is not an option.
• Sharing your deepest and darkest secrets, is nothing to be scared of. 
• Unconditional love is incomprehensible and wonderful.
• Trust is key.
• Apparently there is someone more clingy and PDA-wanting than me.
• Aparently I like (love) the whole clingy/PDA thing.
• We do it together. Whatever it is. Together.
• Being the big spoon is not that bad.
• I still have dishes to do.
• I really don't like doing dishes.

There are so many things I have learned about living with the love of my life. But mostly, I can't stop looking at this man and be grateful. I may never figure out how someone this compassionate and loving exists, but I'll forever be grateful.

Sweetheart, ma bebie, you saved my soul. Never stop having wild adventures with me. 

I love you.

Why/Why not?

Why blogging? Why write down something about yourself and be vulnerable?

I have been asking myself this question for weeks now. All while deleting everything I wrote 5 minutes after I wrote them. It's a scary thing to show random people who you are. Not knowing how they'll respond, or them not responding at all. Am I interesting enough, do I have anything meaningful to say? All of my insecurities crashing into me like a tsunami, wave after wave.

Today I talked to one of the most important people in my life, who reminded me why I did this. I wanted to start writing again, to give an outlet to all of the emotions that take me over. A place to vent and maybe reinvent myself.

So this is a small post, to get myself writing again.

Accepting the ugly side

Sometimes you look at yourself and you don't agree with the image in the mirror. So when I realized that the person staring back at me wasn't who I wanted her to be, I decided to make some drastic changes.

The first one was the one that made changes apparent to everyone looking at me: cutting off almost all of my hair. Weird enough, it was very liberating. All my life, I had long hair because someone told me once that short hair would never look good on me. But guess what? It does. Short hair, long hair, it doesn't matter at all. Feeling like I fit well into my own skin is the most important thing.

The second one was the hardest part: accepting that I am not capable to do normal things. About 4 months ago I made a choice: I wanted to work. Changing my entire lifestyle to be able to do this, was not something that I imagined I had to do.
I had to learn to balance every single part of my life again. I needed to start eating breakfast, shower, put on clothes for the day and look presentable. This may seem obvious to a lot of people, but that had been a lifetime ago for me. Working part time was the other struggle, not because of the work itself, but feeling my muscles and joints working again was torture. Every day I had to work on building up the strength to move. And you know what? It's all because I absolutely love my job. I never thought I would be able to find joy into anything I did, but I get up every single day and I can't get there fast enough.
But working does bring it consequences, and they are well worth it. Balancing it all out is key. No more seeing people during the week, sleeping before and after work, taking more care of myself, creating very strict schedules to get through the day, all of it is worth it. I have never felt happy with my life before.

the ugly side of cfs/fibro

Coming to the third: accepting the very ugly side of my illness. 

I sleep. I sleep a lot. I sleep a lot a lot. I have to be woken up to go to the bathroom. I have a walking cane for moments it gets very bad. I don't have a lot of friends, because I don't have the energy to talk to people. The pain gets so bad some days that I have to live off of painkillers. Losing people, giving up on hobbies, it's all part of my life right now. At least, that's what people made me believe.

Sleeping is the biggest part of my day, yes sure... But does that mean I have to give up on anything? My friends know me better than anyone. They are well aware that I need sleep and that I can't go out at night. And they love me for who I am. They already know the ugly side. They have seen it even worse. They are the reason it's starting to become okay.

Slowly, I have started to pick up long lost hobbies again. Writing small things is part of that. 

No matter how hard it gets, I have to remember that there are so many people around me that support me. So many people that are ready to catch me if I fall. 

beautiful people

Fourth: I have to accept who I am.

I have never been able to do this. Looking at all my flaws and imperfections, I never felt like I was good enough. 

How do you start believing you are good enough? You start listening to the people around you. My husband who tells me he loves me every single day. My beautiful mother who's eyes sparkle when she sees me after two days of not seeing each other. My father who hugs me tight when I have to leave. My best friend who looks into my eyes and tells me I am beautiful. My other best friend who sits with me outside talking about life. My sister who thinks about me when she sees shoes that I might like. My brother who laughs at me and I know that's his way of showing me he loves me. And my other brother who shares his inner thoughts with me, who lights up my day by sending me lovely messages.

I have to start focusing on these people. These people that have stuck with me through my most difficult days. The people that have seen my ugly side and love me even more.

And maybe these changes doesn't seem so 'drastic' to you... For me, these changes will change my entire life. And I for one, can't wait to allow myself to become happy with who I am. Flaws and all.