I am

'What. Omg. Wow.'  pictures by Kim

A couple of days ago, I stumbled back unto this picture of me. I forgot about this moment. The first time I saw myself completely. The confusion, the unbelief and the happiness. I felt beautiful. When did I become beautiful?

I want to remember that feeling. For the longest time I felt like I shouldn't look at myself. The never-ending doubt and insecurities tend to take over. But why should I? I am a human being. I am a normal woman, not skinny, not fat, in between. And I am so tired of feeling inferior because I don't look like I am the 'perfect woman'.

'Finally!' pictures by Kim

So this is me. On the happiest day of my life. Goofy smile, loving every single second of it.

I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am a fighter, a warrior. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife. When I love, I love hard. That'll be more than enough.
Nothing can take that away from me.

Also, my wedding shoes were the absolute cutest.

'Look at my shoes, my shoes, my shoes.' pictures by Kim

Update time

Long time no write!

Totally unexpected, but this month my entire life got turned upside down. I figured 'Sure, I'll start a blog, I have plenty of time for it now!'. But nope! So it's time for some updates!

Dating my husband

Considering I know many of you don't really know about this part of me, I decided to be brave and tell you all about it.
My life has always been a struggle, without me understanding why. School was difficult, not that I didn't understand it, but I was tired more than my peers and didn't really 'go out' a lot. Studying didn't come easy, because I was more busy with trying to have a social life, fitting in and helping everyone but myself. -not that I got far with any of that-

Because I wasn't able to do any of it, I felt depressed a lot. I became introverted and bitter, but mostly I felt very alone. I ended up in this vicious cycle of trying too hard, becoming more and more tired and distancing myself from people. 

This continued until I turned 18 and was in my last couple months of school. I was doing my internship when I got sick. I managed to finish school because of my wonderful parents and an amazing teacher who got me back to school. But I didn't seem to recover from this sickness, I became exhausted and more depressed. 

So when I left for another school in the Netherlands and when I lost the only person I trusted but couldn't let in to my heart, I fell in to a very dark hole.

I lost myself completely.

When my husband found me, I was a complete and utter mess. How he managed to see through all of my darkness, I don't know, but he found my light and made me shine. He made me feel safe and protected me at all costs. He stood by me when I started to find myself again and waited very patiently for me to start blooming.

Napping

But we both knew something else was wrong. I was still exhausted. No matter how much I slept, I woke up feeling even worse. My body started to hurt in places I didn't even know existed.
So we went to the doctors. And a specialist. And another one. It took two years -and a couple of jobs- to figure out that I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Even though everyone was expecting it, my world came crashing down.
I had to learn how to function again, from scratch. Do something, sleep. Do another thing, sleep. Balance my day. Chose if I'll do one thing or the other. *ugh* 

By the time I figured it all out, I started this blog. And it won't surprise you, but it wasn't over at all!

Finally, I accepted that I was different and started to take care of myself. Starting with taking it very easy. And then, I got a call. A job offer. Not just any job, literally my dream job. 5 minutes from home, perfect hours, and with kids. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me. I took it.

A week later, I heard something that broke my heart, together with my CFS, I had fibromyalgia. 

But that's just it. No matter what life throws at me, I won't back down. I have been through so much, but I have so much more to fight for. Not only do I have an amazing family who loves me unconditionally, but I have a job that I love more than anything. And I have the best reason to fight for my health: my husband. He has been there every single step of the way, believing in me and cheering me on. He has never doubted me, not once. 

I will never let him down. His love for me is so pure and honest, and I can't wait to make him even prouder of me.

It is time for me to start blooming.

You are not alone.

This month I made about 25 drafts on here. Nothing seemed important enough to share. And then, it happened. Someone I used to talk to a lot, took his own life a couple of days ago. It hit me like a brick. Followed by a chair. Or a bridge.

For those of you on here that didn't know already, I have been struggling with depression and severe anxiety for years now. For the longest time, it seemed like there was no end to the darkness surrounding me. It was so difficult, because I couldn't see any light. There was no reason to see it anyway, I had no reason to try and see it. So I decided I didn't want to see anything anymore.

There is this huge taboo around suicide. But it happens. And maybe if people would start talking about it, it might be more preventable. Talking about feelings should not be this hard. Talking about it is a necessity.

For me everything finally started changing about 3 years ago, when I met Benjamin. Not because love is a magical cure, but because he made me see the world in a different way. He showed me the people that were waiting for me to see how much they loved me (hello mom and dad!), made me start talking to my friends again (hello Nick!) and got me back into this world. After a while, I started seeing the light around me again.

Today I can say that I am recovering every single day. I have come such a long way, but every day is a new day to take more steps. But I couldn't do this without the help of the people who love me unconditionally. It is okay to feel bad, it's okay to make mistakes. But it's not okay to keep it all inside.

If you are feeling alone, or lost, and you need someone to talk to: reach out. There are people around you, even though they might seem far away. You are never alone in this.
Talking about how you feel is the first step. Take the risk. It might be the scariest thing you'll ever have to do, but it is worth it.

Do not give up.

You are not alone.

Introducing

Here we go. Somehow you've stumbled upon my blog.

What will I be writing about, you might ask. Mostly about my day to day life and things I love. First things first, let me introduce myself. 

This is me, my name is Hannah.

I am a 23 year old woman, living in Belgium. I am a housewife and married to the sweetest man in the world.

For years I have been looking for answers within myself and in other people. When I discovered, all I had to do, was fall in love with a man who's heart was bigger than any other I had ever met. He has been teaching me that being exactly who I am, is exactly what he needed. When I finally understood, I decided to find myself again. 

Along the way, I managed to forget my hobbies, my passions and my interests.

So join me in rediscovering who I am, what I like and who I will become.

Welcome to my story.

The man who changed my life. 

Pictures by Kim Henckens Design.

Testing testing

Hi there,

My name is Hannah and welcome to my blog.