Sometimes you look at yourself and you don't agree with the image in the mirror. So when I realized that the person staring back at me wasn't who I wanted her to be, I decided to make some drastic changes.
The first one was the one that made changes apparent to everyone looking at me: cutting off almost all of my hair. Weird enough, it was very liberating. All my life, I had long hair because someone told me once that short hair would never look good on me. But guess what? It does. Short hair, long hair, it doesn't matter at all. Feeling like I fit well into my own skin is the most important thing.
The second one was the hardest part: accepting that I am not capable to do normal things. About 4 months ago I made a choice: I wanted to work. Changing my entire lifestyle to be able to do this, was not something that I imagined I had to do.
I had to learn to balance every single part of my life again. I needed to start eating breakfast, shower, put on clothes for the day and look presentable. This may seem obvious to a lot of people, but that had been a lifetime ago for me. Working part time was the other struggle, not because of the work itself, but feeling my muscles and joints working again was torture. Every day I had to work on building up the strength to move. And you know what? It's all because I absolutely love my job. I never thought I would be able to find joy into anything I did, but I get up every single day and I can't get there fast enough.
But working does bring it consequences, and they are well worth it. Balancing it all out is key. No more seeing people during the week, sleeping before and after work, taking more care of myself, creating very strict schedules to get through the day, all of it is worth it. I have never felt happy with my life before.
the ugly side of cfs/fibro
Coming to the third: accepting the very ugly side of my illness.
I sleep. I sleep a lot. I sleep a lot a lot. I have to be woken up to go to the bathroom. I have a walking cane for moments it gets very bad. I don't have a lot of friends, because I don't have the energy to talk to people. The pain gets so bad some days that I have to live off of painkillers. Losing people, giving up on hobbies, it's all part of my life right now. At least, that's what people made me believe.
Sleeping is the biggest part of my day, yes sure... But does that mean I have to give up on anything? My friends know me better than anyone. They are well aware that I need sleep and that I can't go out at night. And they love me for who I am. They already know the ugly side. They have seen it even worse. They are the reason it's starting to become okay.
Slowly, I have started to pick up long lost hobbies again. Writing small things is part of that.
No matter how hard it gets, I have to remember that there are so many people around me that support me. So many people that are ready to catch me if I fall.
beautiful people
Fourth: I have to accept who I am.
I have never been able to do this. Looking at all my flaws and imperfections, I never felt like I was good enough.
How do you start believing you are good enough? You start listening to the people around you. My husband who tells me he loves me every single day. My beautiful mother who's eyes sparkle when she sees me after two days of not seeing each other. My father who hugs me tight when I have to leave. My best friend who looks into my eyes and tells me I am beautiful. My other best friend who sits with me outside talking about life. My sister who thinks about me when she sees shoes that I might like. My brother who laughs at me and I know that's his way of showing me he loves me. And my other brother who shares his inner thoughts with me, who lights up my day by sending me lovely messages.
I have to start focusing on these people. These people that have stuck with me through my most difficult days. The people that have seen my ugly side and love me even more.
And maybe these changes doesn't seem so 'drastic' to you... For me, these changes will change my entire life. And I for one, can't wait to allow myself to become happy with who I am. Flaws and all.
