Explanation

This past year has been rough. Knowing exactly why I wasn't able to write, keeping so much in and doing everything I could, nearly destroyed me.

So I've decided to take some power back, by not posting my posts on Facebook anymore. This way I know the audience I'm reaching actually and actively wants to know this side of me.

So what's the mystery reason I haven't been writing?
Little over a year ago, I made a very difficult choice that would affect my entire life. I knew I had to give everything up for my ultimate dream.
If I had known what this choice meant back then, I would probably not have chosen to go for it. An entire year filled with going over every limit I had to try and prove myself. Proving myself against something that just didn't feel worth it. Maybe not 'worth' it, just so unfair in every way that it destroyed the little confidence I had. The worst part is losing faith in people and feeling like a complete fool. And even after all this time, there is still no insurance that I've made the right choice.

I have put my entire life on hold for a dream that might have been one big lie. Doing what you love should not tear you apart. It should not test your limits to the point where there's no turning back.
Coming to terms with this is impossible, until I actually know where this dream of mine will take me.

Sound negative, right? Well then you will understand why writing has been this difficult for me.

I cannot wait to start writing again, so positivity will take the upper hand again.

No more Facebook posts

After a much needed break from sharing, I have decided not to post on facebook anymore.

So if you still want to be updated, make sure to follow this blog. 

Change

When you haven't written in a very long time, but you have been craving it, it's time to put paper to pen. Or typing to laptop?

So why haven't I been writing? Easy. I have been so stressed, that I felt like I would be lying to myself if I wrote anything but the truth. But the truth is hard to accept.

I haven't been doing too well.

There, I said it. I just haven't been doing well at all. Working up the courage to face my fears and tackle obstacles has been a lot harder than I expected. So much harder, that it started to hurt my physical recovery. So I decided to dial it all down: social interactions, chores, exercise, everything.

Right now I am focusing on two things: my husband and my job. The two things in my life that give me the most joy and happiness. 

My husband (as many as you know) has Crohn's disease. It has been a tough two years to get him on track diet wise and him dealing with getting sick a lot. Accepting that you're chronically ill is something that is overwhelming and challenging.
My job has been extremely stressful, but in the end more than rewarding. I feel like I finally found my place. Not a day goes by that I try to find ways or projects to make it a better place, to figure out how I can be a better caregiver for the kids. It has been eyeopening. Every day is another victory for me, another reason to keep going.

For me personally, I need to find a way to find balance. My body is craving attention.

Because of my medication, I have gained a lot of weight the past two years. But losing that weight is very hard when you're not allowed to exercise and you need to keep taking it.
I guess a lot of people don't like the way that they look, or want to lose a few pounds. But when you start feeling uncomfortable in your own skin, something does need to change. So I have been tackling my own diet: snacking down to a minimum, always a fresh cooked meal, no more 'rewards' aka junkfood, drinking a lot of water,...
This is weirdly difficult for me. I am what they call an 'emotional eater'. And when you're permanently stressed out, food is a real problem!
So I'm basically reprogramming my own head and heart, to find different ways to de-stress. (a lot more harder than I thought it would be!)

Stress. Wow. It sounds so simple when people tell me: 'just relax!'. It just doesn't work that way! My mind is always spinning and finding ways to keep me occupied. I can find something to worry about in the most relaxing moments of my day. If anybody knows how to switch that button, let me know, because I still haven't figured it out.

So here it is: I haven't been doing too well.
Changing a lifestyle isn't easy.
But it's going to be worth it, I can feel it.