Change

When you haven't written in a very long time, but you have been craving it, it's time to put paper to pen. Or typing to laptop?

So why haven't I been writing? Easy. I have been so stressed, that I felt like I would be lying to myself if I wrote anything but the truth. But the truth is hard to accept.

I haven't been doing too well.

There, I said it. I just haven't been doing well at all. Working up the courage to face my fears and tackle obstacles has been a lot harder than I expected. So much harder, that it started to hurt my physical recovery. So I decided to dial it all down: social interactions, chores, exercise, everything.

Right now I am focusing on two things: my husband and my job. The two things in my life that give me the most joy and happiness. 

My husband (as many as you know) has Crohn's disease. It has been a tough two years to get him on track diet wise and him dealing with getting sick a lot. Accepting that you're chronically ill is something that is overwhelming and challenging.
My job has been extremely stressful, but in the end more than rewarding. I feel like I finally found my place. Not a day goes by that I try to find ways or projects to make it a better place, to figure out how I can be a better caregiver for the kids. It has been eyeopening. Every day is another victory for me, another reason to keep going.

For me personally, I need to find a way to find balance. My body is craving attention.

Because of my medication, I have gained a lot of weight the past two years. But losing that weight is very hard when you're not allowed to exercise and you need to keep taking it.
I guess a lot of people don't like the way that they look, or want to lose a few pounds. But when you start feeling uncomfortable in your own skin, something does need to change. So I have been tackling my own diet: snacking down to a minimum, always a fresh cooked meal, no more 'rewards' aka junkfood, drinking a lot of water,...
This is weirdly difficult for me. I am what they call an 'emotional eater'. And when you're permanently stressed out, food is a real problem!
So I'm basically reprogramming my own head and heart, to find different ways to de-stress. (a lot more harder than I thought it would be!)

Stress. Wow. It sounds so simple when people tell me: 'just relax!'. It just doesn't work that way! My mind is always spinning and finding ways to keep me occupied. I can find something to worry about in the most relaxing moments of my day. If anybody knows how to switch that button, let me know, because I still haven't figured it out.

So here it is: I haven't been doing too well.
Changing a lifestyle isn't easy.
But it's going to be worth it, I can feel it.