Small appreciation post

I love you, buddy.

LUSH Halloween/Christmas haul

When Lush had its Creative Showcase, I looked at every possible instagram/facebook feed I could find. Pining, yearning, wishing...

And then, it happened. They announced that the Halloween and Christmas range would be ONLINE in a few seconds. So, naturally as any sane person would do, I went online and filled up my basket. Of course B made me delete more than half, because I may get a little crazy when it comes to Lush...

BUT I RECEIVED THE BEST PACKAGE EVER TODAY.

So here it is people, my first blog post about LUSH, and it is a haul people.

It took every ounce of self control not to rip this package to pieces

First off: I love how Lush packages everything so carefully. Thanks Lydia, for making sure this one got to me safely.

Are you ready for this? Because I sure was.

Beauty in a box

So here's what's in the box:

• Black Rose Lipstick
• Ectoplasm Jelly Bomb
• Golden Wonder Bath Bomb
• Golden Wonder-Giant Bath Bomb
• Snow Fairy Jelly Bomb
• Christmas Sweater Bath Bomb
• Snow Fairy Sparkle Jar
• Twilight Sparkle Jar
• Twilight Shower Gel
• Lord of Misrule Bath Bomb
• Shoot for the Stars Bath Bomb
• Once Upon a Time Body Lotion

Okay so really there is a TON to be excited about. But I picked out my favorites and most anticipated ones for me to talk about a little.

Twilight Shower Gel

I am a huge fan of the Sleepy/Twilight scent. For years I have had trouble sleeping, but putting Sleepy Body Lotion on me at night works like a charm. So naturally, I have been eyeing Twilight Shower Gel for way too long. It showing up in the list of Christmas range products made my entire week. Of course I bought this lavender smelling necessity. 

Once Upon a Time Body Lotion

Smelling like sweet apples and feel a little like Snow White? Yes, please!
Once Upon a Time has been on my list for a long time. The hype has lived up to its name for sure. Better make sure to stock up on this one, because I need this in my life permanently!

Golden Wonder-Giant Bath Bomb

The Golden Wonder-Giant Bath Bomb. Why wouldn't you be excited? This bath bomb is 3 times the size as a normal Golden Wonder! It is absolutely massive and absolutely amazing. This bath bomb will only end up in a bath when it is a very special occasion, because a present like this will not be wasted. 

Look at my box, my box, my box

Okay so there is plenty of stuff I feel like I need to tell everyone about. The black lipstick that changes colors, the sparkle jars that puff out stardust, the jelly bath bombs and the return of golden oldies. But maybe that'll be for the next time.

Bath time has not been this anticipated in a long time.

A small list

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want this blog to be or become. Obviously it is going to be a very personal one. 

So here's a small list of everything I want to write about:

• The many adventures and stories with B.
• Every day life and struggles, thoughts and ramblings.
• LUSH.
• Cooking/baking
• Attempts at hobbies (painting, handlettering,...)
• Adventures with friends/family
• Dreams/hopes/wishes

Lets just say I'm done with being insecure. I am still discovering who I am and where I'm going. And that's totally okay.

A year goes by so fast...

A year ago I said 'Yes, please!' to my wonderful husband. 365 days of absolute bliss.
And here is what I have learned:

• When two people love each other unconditionally, nothing can keep them apart (or no one).
• Dishes are very difficult to do every day. Or any day.
• Put two people with ADHD together in one house and it is a complete mess. 
• You can work out anything if you not only listen, but try and understand each other.
• You can find an annoyance in every flaw. But you learn to fall in love with every single one of them.
• Dad jokes occur not only in dads. 
• Dreaming about dogs together might just turn out into a full blown obsession.
• Saving up money is hard when you want all the stuff.
• As much as I want to slap him, he makes me laugh two seconds after.
• My husband is the funniest man in the world. (I'll deny I wrote this forever)
• Waking up to the person you love most, is the best feeling in the world.
• We fight. With everyone else, but never with each other. 
• Sharing is caring. 
• My husband is the biggest goofball I know.
• Giving up is not an option.
• Sharing your deepest and darkest secrets, is nothing to be scared of. 
• Unconditional love is incomprehensible and wonderful.
• Trust is key.
• Apparently there is someone more clingy and PDA-wanting than me.
• Aparently I like (love) the whole clingy/PDA thing.
• We do it together. Whatever it is. Together.
• Being the big spoon is not that bad.
• I still have dishes to do.
• I really don't like doing dishes.

There are so many things I have learned about living with the love of my life. But mostly, I can't stop looking at this man and be grateful. I may never figure out how someone this compassionate and loving exists, but I'll forever be grateful.

Sweetheart, ma bebie, you saved my soul. Never stop having wild adventures with me. 

I love you.

Why/Why not?

Why blogging? Why write down something about yourself and be vulnerable?

I have been asking myself this question for weeks now. All while deleting everything I wrote 5 minutes after I wrote them. It's a scary thing to show random people who you are. Not knowing how they'll respond, or them not responding at all. Am I interesting enough, do I have anything meaningful to say? All of my insecurities crashing into me like a tsunami, wave after wave.

Today I talked to one of the most important people in my life, who reminded me why I did this. I wanted to start writing again, to give an outlet to all of the emotions that take me over. A place to vent and maybe reinvent myself.

So this is a small post, to get myself writing again.

Accepting the ugly side

Sometimes you look at yourself and you don't agree with the image in the mirror. So when I realized that the person staring back at me wasn't who I wanted her to be, I decided to make some drastic changes.

The first one was the one that made changes apparent to everyone looking at me: cutting off almost all of my hair. Weird enough, it was very liberating. All my life, I had long hair because someone told me once that short hair would never look good on me. But guess what? It does. Short hair, long hair, it doesn't matter at all. Feeling like I fit well into my own skin is the most important thing.

The second one was the hardest part: accepting that I am not capable to do normal things. About 4 months ago I made a choice: I wanted to work. Changing my entire lifestyle to be able to do this, was not something that I imagined I had to do.
I had to learn to balance every single part of my life again. I needed to start eating breakfast, shower, put on clothes for the day and look presentable. This may seem obvious to a lot of people, but that had been a lifetime ago for me. Working part time was the other struggle, not because of the work itself, but feeling my muscles and joints working again was torture. Every day I had to work on building up the strength to move. And you know what? It's all because I absolutely love my job. I never thought I would be able to find joy into anything I did, but I get up every single day and I can't get there fast enough.
But working does bring it consequences, and they are well worth it. Balancing it all out is key. No more seeing people during the week, sleeping before and after work, taking more care of myself, creating very strict schedules to get through the day, all of it is worth it. I have never felt happy with my life before.

the ugly side of cfs/fibro

Coming to the third: accepting the very ugly side of my illness. 

I sleep. I sleep a lot. I sleep a lot a lot. I have to be woken up to go to the bathroom. I have a walking cane for moments it gets very bad. I don't have a lot of friends, because I don't have the energy to talk to people. The pain gets so bad some days that I have to live off of painkillers. Losing people, giving up on hobbies, it's all part of my life right now. At least, that's what people made me believe.

Sleeping is the biggest part of my day, yes sure... But does that mean I have to give up on anything? My friends know me better than anyone. They are well aware that I need sleep and that I can't go out at night. And they love me for who I am. They already know the ugly side. They have seen it even worse. They are the reason it's starting to become okay.

Slowly, I have started to pick up long lost hobbies again. Writing small things is part of that. 

No matter how hard it gets, I have to remember that there are so many people around me that support me. So many people that are ready to catch me if I fall. 

beautiful people

Fourth: I have to accept who I am.

I have never been able to do this. Looking at all my flaws and imperfections, I never felt like I was good enough. 

How do you start believing you are good enough? You start listening to the people around you. My husband who tells me he loves me every single day. My beautiful mother who's eyes sparkle when she sees me after two days of not seeing each other. My father who hugs me tight when I have to leave. My best friend who looks into my eyes and tells me I am beautiful. My other best friend who sits with me outside talking about life. My sister who thinks about me when she sees shoes that I might like. My brother who laughs at me and I know that's his way of showing me he loves me. And my other brother who shares his inner thoughts with me, who lights up my day by sending me lovely messages.

I have to start focusing on these people. These people that have stuck with me through my most difficult days. The people that have seen my ugly side and love me even more.

And maybe these changes doesn't seem so 'drastic' to you... For me, these changes will change my entire life. And I for one, can't wait to allow myself to become happy with who I am. Flaws and all.

I am

'What. Omg. Wow.'  pictures by Kim

A couple of days ago, I stumbled back unto this picture of me. I forgot about this moment. The first time I saw myself completely. The confusion, the unbelief and the happiness. I felt beautiful. When did I become beautiful?

I want to remember that feeling. For the longest time I felt like I shouldn't look at myself. The never-ending doubt and insecurities tend to take over. But why should I? I am a human being. I am a normal woman, not skinny, not fat, in between. And I am so tired of feeling inferior because I don't look like I am the 'perfect woman'.

'Finally!' pictures by Kim

So this is me. On the happiest day of my life. Goofy smile, loving every single second of it.

I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am a fighter, a warrior. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife. When I love, I love hard. That'll be more than enough.
Nothing can take that away from me.

Also, my wedding shoes were the absolute cutest.

'Look at my shoes, my shoes, my shoes.' pictures by Kim

Update time

Long time no write!

Totally unexpected, but this month my entire life got turned upside down. I figured 'Sure, I'll start a blog, I have plenty of time for it now!'. But nope! So it's time for some updates!

Dating my husband

Considering I know many of you don't really know about this part of me, I decided to be brave and tell you all about it.
My life has always been a struggle, without me understanding why. School was difficult, not that I didn't understand it, but I was tired more than my peers and didn't really 'go out' a lot. Studying didn't come easy, because I was more busy with trying to have a social life, fitting in and helping everyone but myself. -not that I got far with any of that-

Because I wasn't able to do any of it, I felt depressed a lot. I became introverted and bitter, but mostly I felt very alone. I ended up in this vicious cycle of trying too hard, becoming more and more tired and distancing myself from people. 

This continued until I turned 18 and was in my last couple months of school. I was doing my internship when I got sick. I managed to finish school because of my wonderful parents and an amazing teacher who got me back to school. But I didn't seem to recover from this sickness, I became exhausted and more depressed. 

So when I left for another school in the Netherlands and when I lost the only person I trusted but couldn't let in to my heart, I fell in to a very dark hole.

I lost myself completely.

When my husband found me, I was a complete and utter mess. How he managed to see through all of my darkness, I don't know, but he found my light and made me shine. He made me feel safe and protected me at all costs. He stood by me when I started to find myself again and waited very patiently for me to start blooming.

Napping

But we both knew something else was wrong. I was still exhausted. No matter how much I slept, I woke up feeling even worse. My body started to hurt in places I didn't even know existed.
So we went to the doctors. And a specialist. And another one. It took two years -and a couple of jobs- to figure out that I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Even though everyone was expecting it, my world came crashing down.
I had to learn how to function again, from scratch. Do something, sleep. Do another thing, sleep. Balance my day. Chose if I'll do one thing or the other. *ugh* 

By the time I figured it all out, I started this blog. And it won't surprise you, but it wasn't over at all!

Finally, I accepted that I was different and started to take care of myself. Starting with taking it very easy. And then, I got a call. A job offer. Not just any job, literally my dream job. 5 minutes from home, perfect hours, and with kids. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me. I took it.

A week later, I heard something that broke my heart, together with my CFS, I had fibromyalgia. 

But that's just it. No matter what life throws at me, I won't back down. I have been through so much, but I have so much more to fight for. Not only do I have an amazing family who loves me unconditionally, but I have a job that I love more than anything. And I have the best reason to fight for my health: my husband. He has been there every single step of the way, believing in me and cheering me on. He has never doubted me, not once. 

I will never let him down. His love for me is so pure and honest, and I can't wait to make him even prouder of me.

It is time for me to start blooming.

You are not alone.

This month I made about 25 drafts on here. Nothing seemed important enough to share. And then, it happened. Someone I used to talk to a lot, took his own life a couple of days ago. It hit me like a brick. Followed by a chair. Or a bridge.

For those of you on here that didn't know already, I have been struggling with depression and severe anxiety for years now. For the longest time, it seemed like there was no end to the darkness surrounding me. It was so difficult, because I couldn't see any light. There was no reason to see it anyway, I had no reason to try and see it. So I decided I didn't want to see anything anymore.

There is this huge taboo around suicide. But it happens. And maybe if people would start talking about it, it might be more preventable. Talking about feelings should not be this hard. Talking about it is a necessity.

For me everything finally started changing about 3 years ago, when I met Benjamin. Not because love is a magical cure, but because he made me see the world in a different way. He showed me the people that were waiting for me to see how much they loved me (hello mom and dad!), made me start talking to my friends again (hello Nick!) and got me back into this world. After a while, I started seeing the light around me again.

Today I can say that I am recovering every single day. I have come such a long way, but every day is a new day to take more steps. But I couldn't do this without the help of the people who love me unconditionally. It is okay to feel bad, it's okay to make mistakes. But it's not okay to keep it all inside.

If you are feeling alone, or lost, and you need someone to talk to: reach out. There are people around you, even though they might seem far away. You are never alone in this.
Talking about how you feel is the first step. Take the risk. It might be the scariest thing you'll ever have to do, but it is worth it.

Do not give up.

You are not alone.

Introducing

Here we go. Somehow you've stumbled upon my blog.

What will I be writing about, you might ask. Mostly about my day to day life and things I love. First things first, let me introduce myself. 

This is me, my name is Hannah.

I am a 23 year old woman, living in Belgium. I am a housewife and married to the sweetest man in the world.

For years I have been looking for answers within myself and in other people. When I discovered, all I had to do, was fall in love with a man who's heart was bigger than any other I had ever met. He has been teaching me that being exactly who I am, is exactly what he needed. When I finally understood, I decided to find myself again. 

Along the way, I managed to forget my hobbies, my passions and my interests.

So join me in rediscovering who I am, what I like and who I will become.

Welcome to my story.

The man who changed my life. 

Pictures by Kim Henckens Design.

Testing testing

Hi there,

My name is Hannah and welcome to my blog.